Okay, I gotcha.

Time to give a few updates on some stuff:

• This privy blog now has 21 followers. Not sure if a yay or a nay, but I’ll just say hi to you guys. May I redirect you to my main website for all of my rants and essays on stuff (usually about tech, occasionally about me) on Ideas on Things. Thanks!

• This may be a late update, but the pot now contains something: we have raised a few amounts of money for the laptop thing I sorely need, huge props to my mother. Could’ve said it better but to say a huge thanks to her. Also, huge props to my aunt in Dubai for that. It may still be insufficient, but at least we have to start somewhere, right? And that’s a great step.

• I’m now on Medium, a website where people can read essays not based on author but on the type of content, and where only few (so far) can write on it. It’s a great privilege to be a part of it. I have to write on it very soon.

• Big 2013 ahead: wait for something called #projectinkblots, and as I go on full blast on my career-building stunts. Keep an eye on Ideas on Things (again) for the announcements!

“Pwede ka nang makulong.”

That line was always my go-to joke when people whom I know would turn eighteen. After all, legalities start at this age, and so are the responsibilities.

But being an aberration as I am, I started way earlier. Knowing who I am changed me, and I have never been any prouder than that: I grew up in the middle of opposite poles: families with such conflicting polarities I myself cannot even stand if I would think about it. Conflicting families due to disputes, careers and religious beliefs. And because of my parents that belong to the opposite sides of the match, I would like to believe that these issues are already resolved.

Attitude wise, even though I have grown up to be not like what they would want to be, they have no clue how much that made me strong. Incredibly strong. So strong, that I only cried once during my father’s burial. Because I know, they made me strong early on to ride the crazy rollercoaster that is life.

Because of them, I learned to start being on my own, but not what you think it is.

That’s why I am aware that I am a round peg in a square hole: still fitting in, but not quite a match. My philosophies are profoundly different than theirs, my ideas boggle them so much that they’d rather not talk to me (or at least I would think that they would), and my correct points are more than theirs. Unmindedly, the credit goes to them for molding the person who I am now.

That’s why I’d like to thank my parents, and let them know how much I love them, even though my respect-o-meter sometimes reads a negative rating. I don’t really tell them that much, but in all things that I do, I hope I make them proud. After all, that may be the one of the few things I can do to reciprocate the sacrifices they have done for me.

I’ve never been happier to reach this age. I was one of those skeptics that was wondering if I would still be eighteen because of the allegedly “2012 phenomenon”. I was wondering if I could still get a chance to get away and fully control my life and my destiny. If my voice could still matter. If my ideas would still be true. And, of all things, if my mission would still be done.

Turns out, God has given me (and billions of others too, just like you) the opportunity to live, like he has been giving me for the past 6,575 days. An opportunity to make myself better and to make other people’s lives better.

I’d like to think of this as the ‘next major version’ of me, in technological parlance. I’d rather be away from my unnecessarily competitiveness, crazily weird acts, and being confined-but-will-occasionally-whine like North Korea (Best Korea!).

Away from being too academic, and more of being human.

I’ve always dreamed of just living my life: learning new things everyday, meeting new peers and cultivating existing ones, building new kinds of stuff for people, and sharing these experiences with the ones I love. None of the bullshit that was grades, scholarships, drama, politics, religious sensitivities, et cetera. And as I celebrate my eighteenth, I hope I will accomplish it sooner.

I’ve never been happier to meet people like the college guys I have at East Asia College, as we call ourselves “The Jonas Brothers”. I’ve learned to be less weird and more quirky, more fun and less introverted, and more human than ever before. I’ve never felt the camaraderie and the respect like I have had from them. And I will forever be fortunate to meet these people.

As for the ones who I’ve met with in my basic education days, I would also never forget them. They helped serve as “beta testers” of the new me (again, pardon the geeky jargon) in order to reach where I am right now. Those memories I’ve shared from them and with them will forever be in my mind.

Looking back and scanning at the throwback-worthy moments I have done in the past eighteen years, I could not help but still be astonished by how astounding God moves people in ways we both want and don’t. All I can do right now is to thank them, and to continually prepare for doing the necessary steps to start helping people—His children—to be better and to strive hard not to be the best person the world has ever seen, but rather the human that had left the mark.

This day is more than just a celebration of life. It is a celebration of what have happened in my past eighteen years of existence, and a kick-off of bigger things to come. The festivities don’t end tonight, because throughout the year, progresses would be made. (In a few weeks, for example: expect some pretty exciting things to show up, and me finishing it is a huge deal for me. I hope it will be too, for others who will get to see and use it.)

Thank you very much for all of your love, hatred, criticisms, support and morale boost. Enjoy the rest of the year! May God bless you, and shine brighter.

P.S. Yes, I am ready to fall in love (as I have always been); and no, hindi pa po ako handang mag-asawa. You can stop reminding me now. Hahahaha.

“How’s your April 1?” Okay, let’s see…

• Royal failures in quizzes in Electromagnetics and Electronics I.

• About this? Hah. She just got into a relationship. (Presumably with the Coffee Prince guy.) Wishing ‘em all the best. Because all we want is her happiness, eh?

• And speaking of relationships, that was my announcement for today. I was in a relationship with… waitaminute. Who is it again?

But hey. That lousy stunt taught me something: while I do fantasize with the idea of being in love, it appears I’m still not ready for it. Definitely not now. I’ve got tons of work to do. It’s a year-long celebration for my 18th year, eh? Lots of other stunts to pull off.

But yeah, with Blue liking that ‘changed relationship status’, I can’t help but to miss the things that we shared, even just for a very short time. I miss her a lot, and it got me thinking where our ‘relationship’ could have gone had I only went all out, but I dunno. It’s just that I miss her now, no more no less.

Heck, I am still in love with the idea of being in love.

Or maybe I just feel alone right now. And I need a company.

Maybe that’s just it.

Looks like this is happening again, a year and three months later.

Well, except the difference now is that I don’t ride into the teasings anymore and I believe I have established enough friendship with her.

I don’t know why it bothers me a lot.

Also, I don’t know what have I done. Maybe she heard my convo with Jonas during the last JoBros Conference. Or maybe I’m such an asshole. I have really no clue.

Oh well.

So for two weeks now I’m riding on a laptop my uncle lent me. It was an Acer built during the early days of Windows Vista. It has similar specs with our small workstation at home, except has an older processor, and is more portable. Sure, it can handle a few tasks pretty well…

…when it works.

Imagine every single day pressing F1 on boot because POST says a hard drive failure is detected. But it’s not the drive that seems to be going nuts—it’s the power. The battery of this thing goes from full to 7% in a matter of ten minutes (or even less). Lately I have to plug in that power cord with good amounts of force—and patience—to keep a constant connection. (By the way I am currently typing this on the home workstation, not on the lappie, because I can’t get that power thingy to work properly at the moment).

Of course I worry on these things. Keep in mind that the unit isn’t even mine. One small error, one small glitch, we all know who to blame now. And to think there are crucial files my uncle owns on the unit I would be the DRI¹ As a known tinkerer of computers I am very limited to what I can do because I’m simply not comfortable tweaking someone else’s workstation.

Yet I really feel worse to think that this is the only option that I have at the moment. My aunts and uncles who send me to school, as it appears, can’t afford to get me my own laptop because they have their own kids, and illnesses, to finance.² Heck, my cousin is to be married this April, and telling these concerns don’t help at all.

About my mom doing absolutely nothing about it, I think you probably know that by now. Enough has been said.

As for a “special project” I’ve been working on for the past few weeks, I am due to have a meeting with my boss this Tuesday afternoon about how much will I be remunerated on that. Of course I am expecting that “special project” to net me enough to have myself buy a laptop, but I don’t want to expect too much. This is my first gig, after all. We’ll see what happens with that.

But that idea that I can really do something right now, just without the proper tools, is really depressing. I know I can do something to at least help in my family’s finances, as well as to find my own personal happiness, I just can’t do it because I’m resource-limited.

I don’t know what to do now. I really don’t. It just hurts like heaven to think I am completely all alone in this endeavor.

God, just please give me a miracle. Please. You know this. I’ve cried so many times about this. Please give me this chance.

Here are the things I care about.

• Understanding of how the World works

• Technology

• The arts

• Creativity, design and aesthetics

• True essence of humanity

• Real-world problem solving

• Helping make my country better

• Getting out what’s wrong with the status quo

• Achieving personal happiness

• Actually doing all these stuff in this list

I hope to find someone I could share these passions of mine. And I hope this could give my mom a rough idea of what I want to achieve, and eventually support me in doing this.

Especially that second to the last bullet. Or for my mom’s case, just that bullet.

Because, all I see right now is the world’s bullshitry. And I am fed up with all of this.

Haven’t updated this space for a while.

I know making your follower count public is not a good thing to do, but seriously? 17 followers on an unpublicized account? Where do they come from?

Got to check my Analytics.